Proctor Silex's Bagel burner: The College student review

I'm a steadfast kinda lady. I won't ever give a product a bad review until its burned me one too many times. Who thought one day a product would do that literally with my bread? Proctor Silex, ouch.

It all began when I switched to the graduate dorm (yeah, the good life, right?) and found myself reaching for stuff that was no longer there, like, say, a can opener for my canned food? Right. So off to E-Bay I toddled and promptly saw a Proctor-Silex toaster with 1 minute to go for 5 bucks. So sue me. I'm a college student after all.

It arrived in 3 short days, seductive with its wide bagel-accommodating slots. What a deal, I smiled to myself, mentally patting myself on the back. If only I knew.

Later that night, I was awakened by the smell of smoke. My suite-mate timidly knocked on my door. "T., is bread supposedly to do this?" I had never seen such a black and charred relic of flour in my life. If she'd told me archaeologists had unearthed the bread the Incas ate, I would have believed her. Needless to say, the next morning I decided to try my new toaster.

The first try turned out to be many tries. I pushed the handle down at least 3 times before it responded to my silent plea for charred bread in the morning. And charred it was. I read the box slowly once more--wasn't this the toaster with the "Smart Toast" feature that's supposed to prevent burning? Boo. Hiss. I moved the dial down a couple notches. Every appliance has its quirks, I rationalized. Unfortunately, by that reasoning, my toaster deserves its own comic strip.

On "1" my toast is raw. Yes, I know they baked it, but when you expect some faint degree of crisp to your bakery products it tastes raw; trust me on this one. I may not have fillet mignon on a regular basis, but I know when my bread is undergoing reverse evolution.

On "2-3" the toaster simply browns it outside. Yeah, isn't that what it's supposed to do? I hear you thinking. No, my friend. I mean that literally. Yup, you guessed it--"raw" in the middle. How it manages this feat of science is still a puzzle to me and that's disturbing considering my field of expertise is Biology.

Anything above 4 is death to all bread. Bagels survive now; but for bread it is nuclear. It is something Stan Lee never imagined in all his time at Marvel comics. My bagels also become irreversibly erect after this setting. The comforting thing is, my boyfriend seems to like it. Even honey or jam doesn't budge 'em after this treatment. He calls it "rigor mortis".

All this taken into consideration, you may be wondering why the thing is still sitting in my kitchen. I'll tell you: I have it figured out. (And, admittedly, it boasts no-brainer clean-up--the flip-out bottom is a breeze compared to the usual "shake and bake" version over the sink and/or toilet most college students are all too familiar with.) But if the price is just too seductive (hey, I fell in too, can't blame you), here I provide the magic settings for all the bread I purchase regularly:

Pastries: This is the trick. Toast it at "1", twice in succession. Perfect for The Doughboy's treats. It leaves Pop Tarts just below pipping though, so eat s-l-o-w-l-y.

White bread: 1 and a half for light, 2 for dark. Anything more and it was nice reading your epinions. See you after the surgery.

Wheat bread and Grain breads: 2 for light. 2 and a half for dark. It helps if you manually push the knob up a few seconds before the dark is done....unless you like scraping your bread.

Bagels, white and with fruit (e.g. Blueberry and Raisin):
Ya gotta zap 'em. Try 3 and 4 for light and dark respectively.

Bagels, Grain: Hoo boy. I haven't ever succeeded in getting these dark without them being verifiable missiles if lotting ever breaks out in DC. If you succeed, please send me your e-mail. For light, try 4 and a half.

All in all? This is not a quality toaster. It's great for occasional use and if you're willing to put in a little effort to get your flour products warm cheaply. College students, you know the drill and this toaster won't be any worse than the hand-me-downs you already own. But moms? Nyet. I do NOT recommend this for those hectic breakfast mornings. If I have to invest 10 minutes of my time to get a bagel, you probably won't have it to spare when multiple bagels/pastries/breads need to be prepared.

Not recommended for child use but perfect for a couple or a single person who isn't very invested in lots of toasting.
Otherwise...may the force be with you.